I've written about unicorn hunting in the past, but I realized I've never created a resource
for people who identify as unicorns. So, consider this my guide. Knowing the difference between triad-seeking couples and unicorn hunters will save you a lot of trouble and grief in the long run.
What is a unicorn?
A unicorn is a person who is prepared to join an existing relationship to form a polyamorous triad. Unicorns are usually unmarried bisexual women who join heterosexual relationships, but they can be of any sexuality or relationship status.
Triads frequently form on their own. A person dates one half of a pair and then begins a separate relationship with the other half with no expectations or pressure later on. If you are specifically interested in dating couples at the same time, here is a list of red signs to be aware of in order to protect yourself.
"We want to add a person to our relationship."
Keep in mind that you are not being 'added' to a relationship, but rather developing two completely new relationships with two people. A triad is a combination of four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and A+B+C. For long-term success, each relationship must be cultivated separately. Make sure your wants, desires, and boundaries are taken into account when selecting how you want the triad to function, rather than being forced to 'fit' an existing dynamic that you had no say in developing.
"We always come first."
Couples, particularly those who are new to polyamory, may get competitive or threatened by the prospect of losing their status as the most important person to their spouse. They may insist on being each other's primary partners while relegating you to secondary status, and each half of the couple may enforce this by limiting your time with their partner, never letting you be alone with their partner, and pushing you out whenever their relationship becomes rocky and an important decision needs to be made. This is acceptable if it is also what you want, but make sure it is something you agreed to and consented to rather than something they determined for you.
Sometimes you'll come across "sneaky arch," which is when a couple claims they don't believe in hierarchy but their behavior's prove otherwise. As the newcomer to this dynamic, your presence has the ability to add to the tension. If you find yourself being neglected whenever there are problems in the couple's relationship, this indicates a power imbalance. Look for evidence that you are not being treated equally and consider whether you are actually comfortable with being repeatedly deprioritized.
"We want to protect our relationship."
Regarding the couple continually prioritizing their relationship over any of their relationships with you, this relates to the earlier point. Dealing with a couple who is in the process of opening up to one another might reveal to you that they are incredibly insecure about losing their identity as a couple and will go to any lengths to preserve it. The fact is that beginning a relationship fundamentally alters it, and there will inevitably be growing pains. The foundations of a relationship are turned upside down by polyamory, which is not simply "monogamy plus. "Everyone involved finds this to be very terrifying ground, but if you end up in a scenario where the pair sees you as a disruption to the stability of their relationship, you run the chance of being dumped as soon as they feel threatened by you in any way. Couples that are dedicated to the equal triad involve you in dialogues, let the new partner participate in decision-making, and are not averse to change.
"You must love us both equally."
Because no two people are alike, no two relationships are exactly the same. Avert any tit-for-tat requests to uphold "equality" and make sure that each relationship has the freedom to develop at its own rate. Demands from the pair, for instance, that if one partner obtains a date, the other should follow suit are examples of this. To maintain consistency, some couples even track the time spent with each partner down to the hour or demand that they go to the same places and engage in the same activities. All of these factors imply that the couple is suffering with detachment and seeing themselves as two individuals rather than a one unit, which will prevent you from building two separately lovely and genuine relationships with each of them. It's time to consider whether this is the best arrangement for you if you feel like a toy being passed between two people with no control over whether you genuinely want to spend time with either of them.
"You can only have threesomes with us."
Though threesomes are a lot of fun, consider whether you want to maintain this double standard in the long run if neither of you is 'allowed' to have sex alone without the other person there. Even the novelty of group sex might fade after some time, and you might start to feel resentful of the pair for not treating you with the same respect that they have always shown each other.
This connects to the "four relationships" assertion I made earlier: each relationship needs to be cultivated on its own, even in the bedroom. This can be applied to other situations as well, such as never being permitted to hang out with just one half of the pair or never being permitted to experience something new in your relationships unless everyone is present.
"You can't date anyone else apart from us."
This raises more of a yellow than a red signal because there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a closed triad, but some couples may impose this condition in the hopes that it would prevent them from feeling envious of you. A partner who makes every effort to prevent envy is ultimately trying to avoid facing their anxieties and failing to grow as a result. In truth, no relationship dynamic, not even monogamy, is free from jealousy. Furthermore, if you are given a supporting role in the trio, do you think it's fair that they get to be each other's top priorities but you are denied the opportunity to choose someone else to priorities you? Decide if you would feel comfortable doing that..
Be equally cautious if the couple you are dating does permit you to date others, but only individuals of a particular gender or with a specific set of genitalia. Most frequently, the man in a heterosexual pair will insist that the two women he dates only date other women and not men, or that they only allow his penises to enter them.
You may also read - What is Unicorn Dating?
"If you don't like our rules, you can leave."
Even if you disagree with the rules or they don't suit you, be wary of following orders that are given to you. Decisions that directly impact you should include your input. It is a waste of time when couples demand that you listen to them. There is no assurance that the choices they make will remain the same in the future, even if they currently suit you. If they do, you run the chance of being dumped since your needs won't be taken into account. Threats and coercion have no place in a healthy relationship dynamic, and a spouse who expects you to follow their directives without question leaves you with no choice but to comply with their requests and put your needs second to theirs.
All of this may sound quite depressing, if not terrifying. But there is still hope. Being in a triad is a fantastic, gratifying experience because you get to love two individuals who also love one another. The ethical couples are out there; you just need to know where to look for them. Be cautious of unicorn hunters and attempt to find them. Good luck!